five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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