Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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