We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
