Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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