He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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