just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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