I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
