just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
