My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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