First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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