That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
