Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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