If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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