Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
