I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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