....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
