There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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