I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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