You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
