I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
