Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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