just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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