He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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