my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
