Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize