My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
