We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize