someone threw a dead crab at me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
operation have a gay friend backfired
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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