Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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