We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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