I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
