he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
