Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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