Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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