My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
