You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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