he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm at about main and main street
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
