I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize