I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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