so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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