I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
