He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
