How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
