I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
