So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I cut my penus on the lid.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
