We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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