Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
