should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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