Your dad touched me again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
