I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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