dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
