I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
