Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
