Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Never joke about your clitoris.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize