Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
