she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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