Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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