Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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