can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You made out with two different species that night
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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