I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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